Thoughts of Torment : 27 June, 2024.

Suddenly, I was awake, and the first thought that came to mind was of her. How would it feel to have that lost love by my side the moment I woke from sleep? It was a cheerful thought, though not real or possible in any sense. Then, like all addicts who want to give up their addiction, my mind began a tug-of-war between indulgence and ignorance. I closed my eyes and let my thoughts go at it for a while. Ignorance, I thought, would be best, but it's like that old saying: "Don't think about monkeys." Then all you can do is think about monkeys. That's how it went for a few minutes, me fighting my urges at the very first light of day. Yesterday, I would've given in to indulgence, but today I decided to let the thoughts come and go. I then went for a jog. I like to think that my stamina determines my overall well-being, and for that, I love pushing myself out of bed and going jogging as soon as possible. Obviously, there's no consistency in that either, but on days that I do decide to go for a run, I give it my all. Pushing myself a little further physically than I initially plan is the way I do things, and they are all my personal quirks. I do that with hunger as well; I try to keep away from food for 15-16 hours at times just because I feel like it. Today, even while jogging, I let my thoughts steep into my mind and flow out of me in the form of sweat. Some mornings, there are tears instead of sweat (a story for another day). In matters of addiction, so far so good, but it's only been three hours since I awoke. Expression in words is the best means I chose for myself, but even here among millions of words, I am at a loss about what to tell her and what words in which sequence would express what these thoughts are all about. I don't expect her to stumble upon these words.