Its the creative life for me.....

It's the creative life for me. I cannot take anything else. I tried holding steady jobs that pay very well (compared to the salaries that average Nepalis make). But what I figured out about myself in the last couple of days is that I am too excitable to be steady at something; there are things that I take to the extreme. Thoughts that drive me mad, actions that make me someone else. These thoughts and actions come at different intervals, and they make all the difference in my life. I have revelations all the time. What can you call that? I certainly am not a thoughtful or intelligent person, but I react all too loudly whenever something out of the ordinary happens. Being too excitable has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. Whenever my folks tried to beat me, I used to bail. Running was my forte. That does not mean they were bad people; they tried their best, given that I was their first child. Oof! What trouble it must have been to raise me. They instilled in me values that I still follow to this day. I respect them for that. I have been a lot of things; I have certainly misused the love they gave me. But do I believe that makes me a horrible person? No! I have my feelings, and certainly, they count more to me than something someone has said or done. I prize myself. What can I say? I am a selfish individual. To the extent that I can know myself, I have tried my best. I cannot tell you that this is who I am and this is how I will be throughout my life. Change is universal, but at this moment in time, I can, without a doubt, tell you that I was meant for a creative life. I say that not because I am lazy but because I have bouts of creativity at times, and they compel me to change. If I were to fixate myself on something, soon enough, I would lose myself in that matter, but as soon as the thing became a fixation, I would look the other way and expect something else out of life. My friends know that I switch from jobs, feelings, thinking, and all that almost instantly. Now, that can be psychologically thought of as troubling, but I would word it as exploring. I will be all that I can be without putting a tag on myself. Of course, the name that I have, the place that I operate in, the things that I do are the tags you can give me. But it is better the sooner I change it. That universality of change is what drives me from divinity to monstrosity. I cannot pin myself down to a certain/select point. That, I believe, is what leads my way, and in that, I cannot be certain of anything in my life. That feeling of being myself but always wanting to be something else is what is creative to me.



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